[Trigger Warning: Descriptions of mental block
Mental Health]
The Block
Nope! I have not been able to write, not been able to put 2 sentences together at a time, not been able to articulate. Every time I sit to write, I visualize this solid brick wall standing in front of me, challenging me to break it, get past it. It seems exhausting to even try. But not today, today I am all set to break it.
The easiest way to justify this kind of a block, earlier, would have been the absolute lack of time, followed by apathy and lack of interest towards anything in life, along with an inner resistance to move, to think. May be that was my brain’s way of shutting itself from everything that distracted it. Now, the apathy seems to have become an existence of its own, not needing anything else to push it, trigger it. It has become the natural state of being. Plus, there is a general lack of inspiration. Nothing inspires me anymore, the darkness seems to be all pervading, although, trust me, the only kind of dark I like is when it is associated with chocolate and men.
I remember watching Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Black as a young adult and the very idea of not being able to communicate, not being able to connect to the outside world scared the shit out of me. I am an easy prey to the feeling of being trapped and every now and then I scream inside my head, wanting to be freed, released. I am not sure where this comes from, not sure where it goes, but it comes and goes, as it pleases and all I can do, when it hits, is to give in completely to the sense of being sucked into the vortex that lies within me, waiting for some external factor to shake me and bring me out of the vortex. It is deeply frustrating and unnerving, especially because I like to be in charge and in full control of my environment. It is not always though that being stuck in my mind frustrates me. There are times when I just want to be with myself, not wanting to be disturbed by anything external and those are also the times when I am usually at my productive best. So, it amazes me how the same condition of being within one’s own self could lead to such disastrous as well as productive results. Maybe it is a classic case of two sides of a coin, in which case, the trick to overcome this would be to hit the balance.
In my endeavour to figure out a way to achieve this balance, I tried out a few things:
Reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This book is all about the present. The reason to be in the present and how the present is the only thing that matters because the past is not something that any of us can change and the future is not something that any of us can predict with certainty.
[Note: I recommend reading an abridged version of this book first, because most of what is mentioned in this book was incomprehensible to me, although some of the fundamental principles like how we can control our minds and, in the process, how we can attempt to regain the rein over our lives, were quite empowering.]
Watching TV. Do you remember watching TV while having lunch or dinner, while growing up. As a 90s kid, watching TV while eating was a huge part of my growing up and I realize now that it was especially interesting when I would want to not taste the food and focus on something else, someone’s else’s life. A word of caution – this has been my most unhealthy and unproductive habit of all, but at times, when I must live through feelings that I do not or cannot process and I just have to wait for time to do its magic, I confess I am guilty of escaping into the world of television, content, other people, other lives, other reality. That is all I can do when I do not like my own reality and yes, I recognize it for what it is, but who said I have to be perfect all the time (other than me of course)!
Last but not the least. Jumping into action, rather than being sucked into the nothingness of what I can or cannot do or even what I feel like or don’t feel like doing. This has been the most difficult and needless to say the most effective method of breaking the block for me. It is not easy to do something, anything, when your mind is full of thoughts you cannot control. But writing everything down, listing out things that I want to do and am not being able to go ahead with, because of the block, gives me an easy step by step plan. The next step obviously is to follow the plan through, and I keep telling myself that this is it, this is all that I need to do. Sometimes following the plan through can be excruciatingly difficult and it may take a long, long time to get back on track. For instance, it took me several weeks to write this one post so that I can get back to frequent (if nor regular) writing.
One thing that I have realized though is that nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace action. But it is okay to take your time, to let go, to prepare and come back stronger when you feel the time is right, or not. Sometimes, surviving is all that matters, and for now I am happy and grateful for just that.
